Nonviolent Communication teaches us to be observant, to see and withhold judgment. This is the first step in NVC, but it’s crucial, especially when it comes to communication that in some way hopes to bring resolution with another person: to mitigate a conflict, to deescalate a situation, to alter some destructive or distressing behavior. Rosenberg emphasized that many conflicts escalate because people confuse observation with evaluation (judgment). When we mix in judgments, interpretations, or labels, the other person often feels criticized and becomes defensive.
He cites a wonderful poem by Ruth Bebermeyer who writes “I’ve never seen a lazy man.” I’ve seen a person who takes naps between lunch and dinner, perhaps, or who doesn’t exercise very much. But these are observations rather than a label like “lazy”. If I use “lazy,” it says more about me: that I group together and associate these observations with an idea I have called “lazy.” I can cope just a little better with reality because I have this category in mind and can put other people into it.
There is a better way, Rosenberg teaches. We can instead strive to stick to just those things that could be caught with a microphone or a camera, and be specific about it. So (to change the topic slightly) instead of complaining “You’re a bad planner” or “You’re always late,” we can offer the observation “You arrived 15 minutes after the time we agreed on three times this week.” By getting us to just stick to the facts, Rosenberg is helping start to disarm situations that may lead to more conflict. With the facts out in front of us, we can now deal with them together.
Subsequent steps in NVC are opportunities to express how another person’s actions make us feel (“I was disappointed when you showed up late because I’d planned to use our time to talk about something really important to me.”) There are several such steps to NVC, but it starts with separating our judgments from our observations. This is the first step in moving away from communicating in ways that come across as criticisms, since no one appreciates being labeled and judged. Even if we want to cling to the truth of our judgments (“He really is lazy!”), communication like that is never likely to motivate positive behavior change.
This is a really simple thing, I think, even though it’s hard to do. We can do it, though, with practice. When we discuss peace as a spirit or a disposition (as opposed to first being a state of external affairs), we partly mean to identify the result of the discipline and practice that goes into being careful observers of reality. It may not seem obvious to associate the inverse habit with violence, but violence has deep roots in how we move about and take in the world around us. The better I can be at taking in what is around me or comes at me without judgment, the more generous I will likely be toward the actions of other people, even actions that cause harm. (A further step in NVC more explicitly helps practitioners to identify the unmet needs that lead to criticism, judgment, and anger leading to violence.)
Check back here from time to time as we get deeper into nonviolent communication.
Peace,
Craig Hovey
Craig Hovey is executive director of the Ashland Center for Nonviolence.
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